Grace is Robin Williams

Grace: "unmerited favor, an underserved blessing"

What a hard thing to accept.

                                      What a hard thing to...give.

At least for me, anyway.

Grace has been resonating in my mind for several weeks now.  We talked about it in church last month and I haven't been able to shake it since then.  I've sat down to write this blog so many times and walked away, because at first I was so excited about it, and then I just got scared.

I still can't seem to wrap my mind around Grace-how I can accept it, how I can give it.  What does that even look like?  I didn't want to write this post because it's such a messy concept, and it's hard for me.  I don't know if you can even wrap your mind around Grace, though.  Grace doesn't make sense.  That's what makes it Grace, and that's what makes it awesome.  If it made sense it would be...math? or something. I don't know.
But we all know math isn't awesome, so Grace isn't math.  (That's really good reasoning, right?)

For me to accept grace, I feel like I owe that person something.  I don't like to owe people things.  You show me grace?  I'll make it up to you, don't worry.

But that's not grace, is it?  That makes it a debt, or something.  That's not Grace.

Josh (the pastor...I hate saying "pastor" a million times, so Josh...), said that Grace isn't a thing, it's a person.  It's Jesus.  

Jesus paid the ultimate debt and is unrelenting in Grace because it's who He is.

This is the part I got so excited about.  I desperately want people to know that no matter what they've done, there's Jesus-and He makes crimson stains white as snow.  He makes things new, He's bigger than imperfection and regret.  

On Thursday nights, I meet with about 20 people around my age that go to my church and we talk about what we talked about on Sunday morning.  We break it down and how it applies to our life.  It's probably one of my favorite nights of the week.  The Thursday we talked about grace, a couple of the guys mentioned how they knew the word "grace" and thought they knew what it meant, but when they had a moment when it really clicked, they broke down and cried.  It was humbling to hear them explain how they were so overwhelmed with the idea of Grace that it brought them to tears.  It reminded me of this scene from the movie Good Will Hunting that I watched recently.   

I think this is what Grace is like...like Robin Williams.
It corners you.
It overwhelms you.
It's relentless.
It's unconditional.
It's gentle.
and fierce
and determined.
It's uncomfortable, and we can't believe it.
And then when you get it-really get it-you cry like a baby, and Grace just kind of holds you.  And you're so thankful.

I think that's the process of Grace that repeats itself over and over.

I realized how incredible Grace is, then I realized...If I receive Grace, I should give Grace.

ugh.

Receiving Grace, even though it can be hard, isn't the hardest part for me. Because, let's be honest, I would have happily accepted grace from that police officer who pulled me over Friday and wrote me that speeding ticket.

Back to the nitty-gritty though.

I couldn't stop thinking of this quote I heard years ago: "We are debtors to every man to give him the gospel in the same measure in which we have received it."  (P.F. Bresee)

ugh. That's where I got scared.

Because really, when it comes down to it, it's probably easier to accept Grace than give it, right?

I started thinking of people in my life I should show Grace to, and that's where it got messy.  A lot of wounds reopened and a lot of things came to the surface that I hadn't really thought about.  But I started praying that I would show Grace where I needed to show it the most, where it was the least deserved.

And that kind of sucks, because when you pray to start showing Grace you're presented with opportunities to show it, and you actually have to do something about it.

And it's not easy. It's really frustrating.  Most days I'd rather harbor the same, familiar hatred that I've harbored for years because Grace is uncharted territory here.  And everything in me was telling me  "No.  You know how to be cold and hateful.  Do your thing girl.  They don't deserve your Grace."  

And then Jesus said, "Kenz, the fact that they don't deserve it IS WHAT MAKES IT GRACE.  And I have your heart, Grace has your heart.  How can you hold back something that is the very center of who I am? You don't want to tell a story of hate and condemnation, remember? So tell a better story.  Grace is a good place to start."  

Because honestly, I love Jesus so much, and Jesus is Grace.  So I have to get some Grace going on.

So, I've been praying that certain relationships would be restored, the ones where I am hurt the most.  This is something I've been working on, honestly.  I've wrestled with it for weeks.  And by wrestling with it, I mean thinking of every reason not to show people Grace.  Then this Sunday, Josh (the pastor, remember...) talked about second chances.  And my same stubbornness resurfaced and I literally sat, arms folded and jaw clenched, in the back row, tears in my eyes, angry... trying to find every reason to veto second chances where I knew they were merited.  And all of these things that I had wrestled with about Grace came up again.  Second chances are part of Grace.

What I'm learning is that when you know Grace, you have to give it or it doesn't mean anything.

Grace is what I want to set me apart: my marriage apart, my friendships apart, my whole life apart.

Love your enemies.
Pray for those who persecute you.
Be patient with the people who don't deserve your patience.
Text him and call him, even though he left and never looked back.

I want people to think I'm ridiculous.

Because Grace is ridiculous. and it's beautiful. and it shouldn't be contained.

May you receive Grace in all its unrelenting, frustrating, beautiful, confusing forms.  May you give Grace to the people in your life you want to give it to the least, and every person in between-in the simple moments when it's easy, but especially in the big moments where it takes every ounce of your sanity.  May you fight the urge to be average and conditional with your Grace, and may you be so full of Grace that people want to know the source. 

Receive Grace. Give Grace. Repeat. Thanks for reading :)