When You Need to Be
I feel like I am trying so hard lately.
I am forever trying to be better
how can I be a better nurse?
how much more information can I cram into my mind?
how many more certifications can I get to be better at my job?
how can I fix this relationship and that relationship?
how can I be the hands and feet of Jesus better?
how can I make a person who is lonely feel loved and seen?
how can I learn more, about anything and everything?
how can I encourage my friends?
how can I serve at my church better?
how can I serve my community better?
how can I take more steps towards my dreams?
what books can I read that will make me pray harder, love people more, get to know Jesus more, be a better adult?
how can I be a better sister, daughter, coworker, aunt, friend?
Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it. I'll fix it. I'll be the martyr, 99% of the time. I'll do whatever needs to be done that other people won't do. I'll apologize first. I'll let my feelings be hurt if it means your feelings won't get hurt. I'll drive the farthest. I'll be the nicest. I'll stay late. I'll do it all with a smile and hide my discomfort and fear and exhaustion.
Those aren't bad qualities, but if there's not a balance those qualities can be destructive just as quickly as they can be life-giving.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm learning so much about myself lately, and I'm trying to process all of this and figure out what to do with it. It's not even big, heavy things. It's just a bunch of little things, and I'm overwhelmed.
When I get overwhelmed I become extremely indecisive. Things get muddled and fuzzy and I can't focus. I feel like I'm treading water. And somewhere in between being what everyone else needs and trying to decide what to do in every situation in my life, I forget that sometimes I have to make the most basic decision to stop and just be still and stop striving and be present with myself...which I hate. And I feel like a jerk because it means I have to tell people no and be somewhat anti-social.
I was driving today and thinking about all of the things that need fixing and all the people I have to fix things with, what to walk away from and what to try harder at, all the people I'm worried about and all the ways I have to act and act quickly. There was a song playing and I heard the lyrics somewhere in between the thoughts swirling around in my mind:
"What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would You like me to sing?
Cause I'll dance a dance for You, pour out my love for You.
What can I do for You, beautiful King?
And I hear You say, 'You don't have to do a thing.
Simply be with Me, and let those things go.
They can wait another minute.
Wait, this moment is too sweet.
Please stay here with Me and love on Me a little longer.'"
I've been coming to Jesus with an agenda, asking Him to just tell me how to love and what to do and how to be and where to go, and I think somehow in the midst of all that I was ignoring Him saying, "Just be for a little while, Kenz. Take all the time you need and just sit with Me. You don't have to figure more of Me out or come to Me ready to act on everything. Just sit."
I think sometimes He laughs at me (because I'm funny) and because I do a lot of nonsense. I think I'm doing all of these really great things and not even seeing the destruction it's causing me.
I think sometimes He trips me while I'm running to remind me that no matter what I bring or don't bring to the table at the end of the day, He is still Jesus and I am still not. It feels like I forget that every single day. But thankfully He is a persistent God and he trips me in the most loving and fierce ways when I need it the most. Like recently.
A friend of mine wrote, "Sometimes God slaps us gently...and sometimes it's a punch instead of a gentle slap. And He uses the word 'dumbass' instead of 'darling' because we are the worst listeners." And sometimes He trips us because we're moving too fast for Him to even get a punch in.
I read something the other day that challenged what I thought I always believed. "Sometimes going through the motions is faithfulness enough. Sometimes you just trust the Bread & Wine, Body & Blood, to be enough." I used to think the motions weren't good enough, ever, that I was better than that. But I'm starting to see that sometimes the basics are what you have to do in order to keep your sanity.
I needed that gentle reminder tonight, that sometimes just being instead of striving is a form of worship-a very deep, important form of worship I think is often overlooked. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe you need to be tripped so you stop running marathons around Jesus. Maybe when you stand up and wipe the dust from your hands and knees and spit the dirt from your mouth...maybe you'll find Him in the aftermath like you never found Him in the pursuit.
Like the verse that is so simply put, "The Lord will fight for you, you just have to be still."
He is working on my behalf, even when I'm not. Even when I'm still.
I've given myself permission to be. To go through the motions if I have to, at this point. Because God is still working, even when I feel like I'm worthless in my sitting and waiting.
Even more so, I've given myself permission to be and not label it. I'm giving you permission, too. I'm not giving myself permission to be tired, or happy, or confused, or sad, or hopeful, or content, or uneasy or whatever word I try to squeeze into the blank. I'm just going to be nothing, because at this point trying to label and analyze and over-think is too much work. So I'm just going to be--no more and no less. I'm going to be enough and not ask anything else of myself right now, for however long I need. That could be a day or a month. Who knows. I'll know when I'm ready to get back up and start striving again.
And that has given me peace. And I like that. And I hope if you're needing to just be, you can find peace in it for yourself.
I am forever trying to be better
how can I be a better nurse?
how much more information can I cram into my mind?
how many more certifications can I get to be better at my job?
how can I fix this relationship and that relationship?
how can I be the hands and feet of Jesus better?
how can I make a person who is lonely feel loved and seen?
how can I learn more, about anything and everything?
how can I encourage my friends?
how can I serve at my church better?
how can I serve my community better?
how can I take more steps towards my dreams?
what books can I read that will make me pray harder, love people more, get to know Jesus more, be a better adult?
how can I be a better sister, daughter, coworker, aunt, friend?
Just tell me what I need to do, and I'll do it. I'll fix it. I'll be the martyr, 99% of the time. I'll do whatever needs to be done that other people won't do. I'll apologize first. I'll let my feelings be hurt if it means your feelings won't get hurt. I'll drive the farthest. I'll be the nicest. I'll stay late. I'll do it all with a smile and hide my discomfort and fear and exhaustion.
Those aren't bad qualities, but if there's not a balance those qualities can be destructive just as quickly as they can be life-giving.
Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm learning so much about myself lately, and I'm trying to process all of this and figure out what to do with it. It's not even big, heavy things. It's just a bunch of little things, and I'm overwhelmed.
When I get overwhelmed I become extremely indecisive. Things get muddled and fuzzy and I can't focus. I feel like I'm treading water. And somewhere in between being what everyone else needs and trying to decide what to do in every situation in my life, I forget that sometimes I have to make the most basic decision to stop and just be still and stop striving and be present with myself...which I hate. And I feel like a jerk because it means I have to tell people no and be somewhat anti-social.
I was driving today and thinking about all of the things that need fixing and all the people I have to fix things with, what to walk away from and what to try harder at, all the people I'm worried about and all the ways I have to act and act quickly. There was a song playing and I heard the lyrics somewhere in between the thoughts swirling around in my mind:
"What can I do for You?
What can I bring to You?
What kind of song would You like me to sing?
Cause I'll dance a dance for You, pour out my love for You.
What can I do for You, beautiful King?
And I hear You say, 'You don't have to do a thing.
Simply be with Me, and let those things go.
They can wait another minute.
Wait, this moment is too sweet.
Please stay here with Me and love on Me a little longer.'"
I've been coming to Jesus with an agenda, asking Him to just tell me how to love and what to do and how to be and where to go, and I think somehow in the midst of all that I was ignoring Him saying, "Just be for a little while, Kenz. Take all the time you need and just sit with Me. You don't have to figure more of Me out or come to Me ready to act on everything. Just sit."
I think sometimes He laughs at me (because I'm funny) and because I do a lot of nonsense. I think I'm doing all of these really great things and not even seeing the destruction it's causing me.
I think sometimes He trips me while I'm running to remind me that no matter what I bring or don't bring to the table at the end of the day, He is still Jesus and I am still not. It feels like I forget that every single day. But thankfully He is a persistent God and he trips me in the most loving and fierce ways when I need it the most. Like recently.
A friend of mine wrote, "Sometimes God slaps us gently...and sometimes it's a punch instead of a gentle slap. And He uses the word 'dumbass' instead of 'darling' because we are the worst listeners." And sometimes He trips us because we're moving too fast for Him to even get a punch in.
I read something the other day that challenged what I thought I always believed. "Sometimes going through the motions is faithfulness enough. Sometimes you just trust the Bread & Wine, Body & Blood, to be enough." I used to think the motions weren't good enough, ever, that I was better than that. But I'm starting to see that sometimes the basics are what you have to do in order to keep your sanity.
I needed that gentle reminder tonight, that sometimes just being instead of striving is a form of worship-a very deep, important form of worship I think is often overlooked. Maybe you need to hear that. Maybe you need to be tripped so you stop running marathons around Jesus. Maybe when you stand up and wipe the dust from your hands and knees and spit the dirt from your mouth...maybe you'll find Him in the aftermath like you never found Him in the pursuit.
Like the verse that is so simply put, "The Lord will fight for you, you just have to be still."
He is working on my behalf, even when I'm not. Even when I'm still.
I've given myself permission to be. To go through the motions if I have to, at this point. Because God is still working, even when I feel like I'm worthless in my sitting and waiting.
Even more so, I've given myself permission to be and not label it. I'm giving you permission, too. I'm not giving myself permission to be tired, or happy, or confused, or sad, or hopeful, or content, or uneasy or whatever word I try to squeeze into the blank. I'm just going to be nothing, because at this point trying to label and analyze and over-think is too much work. So I'm just going to be--no more and no less. I'm going to be enough and not ask anything else of myself right now, for however long I need. That could be a day or a month. Who knows. I'll know when I'm ready to get back up and start striving again.
And that has given me peace. And I like that. And I hope if you're needing to just be, you can find peace in it for yourself.
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