What Love Is
An author I follow on Twitter advertised for her followers to submit a blog post they wrote about dating, singleness, marriage, sexuality, etc and it could be chosen as a guest blog on her site. I thought it was interesting, but I didn't submit one. There were a few reasons why I didn't submit one to her, and I didn't write a blog about dating or marriage. But I found myself writing a blog about what love is.
This is not one of those posts that will have a list of things you should or shouldn't do in regards to dating or marriage or singleness. It doesn't have any special formulas I've discovered. It isn't a blog that bashes people who got married young, or why it's better to get married young, or why you should be single until you've reached a certain point in your life, or the top 10 things you're doing wrong in your relationship, or whatever other blog posts that have been shared all over Facebook. It's simply just what I've learned about myself, what I think I'm learning about love.
One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says, "The great gift writing can give you is to make you a person who pays attention, a person who is here, present & accounted for; taking notes." That's what I think of when I think about the relationships around me that I'm lucky enough to observe; I'm on the outside looking in. I'm taking notes, soaking it all up, watching and listening. Figuring out what I think love embodies and what it costs. What I think it can and can't be. What it should or shouldn't be. How I hope to love and be loved some day. These are some of the notes I've been taking, lessons I've actively learned in my own relationships and passively learned by watching the relationships and people around me. By no means do I have it all figured out; I'm still taking notes. I'll never stop learning. But instead of trying to type and entire blog about what I think marriage or relationships should look like, I decided to share what I'm learning...what I think love is. I whole-heartedly believe that love is exactly what it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, but I decided to put love into my own words. Here are some things I'm learning.
I've come to believe, more than anything, that love is a choice. Love is active. It shows up, even when it doesn't know exactly the right things to do. It shows up and works hard. One of my friends told me recently that her husband had been annoying her and had been rude and distant, but she did something that surprised me. The same day she had expressed her frustrations, she mentioned in passing that she had cleaned out and organized her husband's closet because she knew he hated doing it. She folded his clothes and hung up whatever needed to be hung up while he was at work. I was so confused, and I asked her why she had done all of that for him when he was being such a jerk, and she said something I'll never forget: "Because love is a choice. It is something I choose even when I don't feel it. The days when I don't feel it are the days I try the hardest at loving and serving my husband. It's a choice." I was sitting with a different friend a few months ago, and she told me about how she tried to explain to her fiance that she was too wounded from her past to be worthy of him loving her and marrying her. She had tears in her eyes when she told me that her fiance said, "No, I chose you and I'll choose you every day. I will marry you and I will choose you for the rest of my life." Love is a choice.
Sometimes love is passive. Sometimes love sits and waits. But love always stays present. Love is always stubborn.
Love is not something you should have to earn. This goes along with love being a choice, I guess. Love will never make you earn its pursuit. I don't think this gives anyone permission to roll over and play dead or be a bump on a log. But it shouldn't matter if you're skinny enough, outgoing enough, confident enough, good-looking enough, funny enough, educated enough, etc. Love will pursue you (man and woman alike...I'm not just talking about a man pursuing a woman) with every insecurity and every flaw. Because whoever loves you will choose to. They will choose you because the parts of you they think are important and matter outweigh the things they don't care for and things about you that drive them crazy. Love will choose you un-edited, rough drafted, and imperfect. You will not have to patch yourself up or smooth yourself out. Love will choose you with your unevenness and rough edges and cracks. Love will choose you when you feel the least deserving of being loved, because that's when you'll need it the most. Love will choose you when you try to talk yourself out of being loved. Love is relentless.
Love is always celebrating. It doesn't keep score. Love doesn't argue over whose job is more important or harder, who has more education or makes more money. It doesn't compare wins and losses. Love is not threatened by successes. This sounds somewhat trivial, but I've seen this cause a lot of hurt in relationships and I've seen it tear apart marriages.
Love wrestles. It is not blind. It does not overlook problems for the sake of comfort or bliss. Love is a safe place to fight because you know there is resolution on the other side.
Love is not always fair. It's not always perfect. It's persistent.
Love is honest. The hard kind of honest, not always the feel-good kind of honest.
Love is not anxious.
Love is risky and brave.
Love is always worth it.
What I'm learning about love doesn't just apply to dating or marriage. Since I'm single and not married, I've tried to focus on applying what I'm learning to my friendships and my family. I'm also learning a lot about what it means to be content with myself and giving myself the same grace in love that I'm trying to show others.
So, tell me what you think love is. Tell me what you're learning about love. Tell me stories about when you had to show up and work at it. Tell me a time when you were shown love when you didn't think you deserved it. Tell me what you're believing for. Text me, comment on this blog, Facebook message me. Anything. I want to hear what love is to you.
I'm curious and present, taking notes.
This is not one of those posts that will have a list of things you should or shouldn't do in regards to dating or marriage or singleness. It doesn't have any special formulas I've discovered. It isn't a blog that bashes people who got married young, or why it's better to get married young, or why you should be single until you've reached a certain point in your life, or the top 10 things you're doing wrong in your relationship, or whatever other blog posts that have been shared all over Facebook. It's simply just what I've learned about myself, what I think I'm learning about love.
One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says, "The great gift writing can give you is to make you a person who pays attention, a person who is here, present & accounted for; taking notes." That's what I think of when I think about the relationships around me that I'm lucky enough to observe; I'm on the outside looking in. I'm taking notes, soaking it all up, watching and listening. Figuring out what I think love embodies and what it costs. What I think it can and can't be. What it should or shouldn't be. How I hope to love and be loved some day. These are some of the notes I've been taking, lessons I've actively learned in my own relationships and passively learned by watching the relationships and people around me. By no means do I have it all figured out; I'm still taking notes. I'll never stop learning. But instead of trying to type and entire blog about what I think marriage or relationships should look like, I decided to share what I'm learning...what I think love is. I whole-heartedly believe that love is exactly what it says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, but I decided to put love into my own words. Here are some things I'm learning.
I've come to believe, more than anything, that love is a choice. Love is active. It shows up, even when it doesn't know exactly the right things to do. It shows up and works hard. One of my friends told me recently that her husband had been annoying her and had been rude and distant, but she did something that surprised me. The same day she had expressed her frustrations, she mentioned in passing that she had cleaned out and organized her husband's closet because she knew he hated doing it. She folded his clothes and hung up whatever needed to be hung up while he was at work. I was so confused, and I asked her why she had done all of that for him when he was being such a jerk, and she said something I'll never forget: "Because love is a choice. It is something I choose even when I don't feel it. The days when I don't feel it are the days I try the hardest at loving and serving my husband. It's a choice." I was sitting with a different friend a few months ago, and she told me about how she tried to explain to her fiance that she was too wounded from her past to be worthy of him loving her and marrying her. She had tears in her eyes when she told me that her fiance said, "No, I chose you and I'll choose you every day. I will marry you and I will choose you for the rest of my life." Love is a choice.
Sometimes love is passive. Sometimes love sits and waits. But love always stays present. Love is always stubborn.
Love is not something you should have to earn. This goes along with love being a choice, I guess. Love will never make you earn its pursuit. I don't think this gives anyone permission to roll over and play dead or be a bump on a log. But it shouldn't matter if you're skinny enough, outgoing enough, confident enough, good-looking enough, funny enough, educated enough, etc. Love will pursue you (man and woman alike...I'm not just talking about a man pursuing a woman) with every insecurity and every flaw. Because whoever loves you will choose to. They will choose you because the parts of you they think are important and matter outweigh the things they don't care for and things about you that drive them crazy. Love will choose you un-edited, rough drafted, and imperfect. You will not have to patch yourself up or smooth yourself out. Love will choose you with your unevenness and rough edges and cracks. Love will choose you when you feel the least deserving of being loved, because that's when you'll need it the most. Love will choose you when you try to talk yourself out of being loved. Love is relentless.
Love is always celebrating. It doesn't keep score. Love doesn't argue over whose job is more important or harder, who has more education or makes more money. It doesn't compare wins and losses. Love is not threatened by successes. This sounds somewhat trivial, but I've seen this cause a lot of hurt in relationships and I've seen it tear apart marriages.
Love wrestles. It is not blind. It does not overlook problems for the sake of comfort or bliss. Love is a safe place to fight because you know there is resolution on the other side.
Love is not always fair. It's not always perfect. It's persistent.
Love is honest. The hard kind of honest, not always the feel-good kind of honest.
Love is not anxious.
Love is risky and brave.
Love is always worth it.
What I'm learning about love doesn't just apply to dating or marriage. Since I'm single and not married, I've tried to focus on applying what I'm learning to my friendships and my family. I'm also learning a lot about what it means to be content with myself and giving myself the same grace in love that I'm trying to show others.
So, tell me what you think love is. Tell me what you're learning about love. Tell me stories about when you had to show up and work at it. Tell me a time when you were shown love when you didn't think you deserved it. Tell me what you're believing for. Text me, comment on this blog, Facebook message me. Anything. I want to hear what love is to you.
I'm curious and present, taking notes.
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