Little by Little

A friend of mine called me a couple of weeks ago when she was having a hard night.  I've been friends with her since elementary school, she's one of my favorites!

My friend used to cut herself in High School.  I'm one of a handful of people that knows about it.  She hasn't cut in 6 years, but when she called me one night a couple of weeks ago she told me she was wanting to cut herself again.  She said she was craving it, that she was pacing her apartment and felt like an addict needing a hit.  She felt crazy and was scared; she didn't know why she was wanting to cut again so badly.  She told me how defeated she felt and how frustrated she was for wanting to cut again, because she knew she had laid that down at Jesus' feet a long time ago.  We talked for awhile, and she didn't cut.  I talked with her again a few days later, and while she was relieved that she didn't cut that night, she said she still felt a lot of shame in even having those urges again.  It made me sad to hear how she was tearing herself apart.   

Another friend of mine struggles with addiction and recently he told me that he relapsed.  I could see the weariness in his eyes.  He was so discouraged and said a lot of negative things about how he doesn't think he will ever beat this and he will never know what it's like to be clean.  

I've been going to a personal trainer for 5 months.  I was so frustrated at first that I wasn't seeing results in the number on the scale.  I'd prefer to see instantaneous results, but that's not how it works I guess (women everywhere--give me a giant "ugh." I know.) 

I don't know what it is lately, if maybe I'm just more aware of what's going on in the peoples' lives around me, but I feel like a lot of people that I care about are struggling right now.  I'm struggling with some things.  You're probably struggling with some things.  

If you've ever read my blog, you know most of the time I end up talking about Jesus.  It's true, I can't help it.  So let's talk about him.

A couple of weeks after the night my friend called me, I was reading a book I've been reading slowly for the last 5 months.  I'll pick it up randomly and do a chapter at a time.  I started reading a chapter called "Little by Little."  Deuteronomy 7:22, "and the Lord your God will clear out those nations before you, little by little; you may not consume them quickly, lest the beasts of the field increase among you."  The author talked about how too much freedom too quickly can bring pride, and if we are liberated little by little we understand that it's a process and it's not something we can do on our own.  I think all of life comes from Jesus, and I'm convinced we are never truly set free from anything without him.  The phrase "little by little" has stuck with me since reading that chapter.  

I'm learning, more than ever, that almost everything in life is a process and hardly anything is instantaneous.  The night my friend called me telling me she was warring with her old demons again, when my friend was telling me about his relapse, the time I told my trainer that I was so frustrated and discouraged--I was reminded that freedom is a process.  It will ebb and flow, and you will most likely have setbacks and disappointments and temptations... but you will eventually be freed.

Maybe you don't use a razor to feel in control or find the bottom of a bottle to forget whatever it is that pains you.  Maybe you use food, or shopping, or Netflix, or drugs, or anger and your fists, or binging and purging as an escape.  Maybe you're trying to change your lifestyle and make better choices and be healthier.  Maybe you tear yourself apart with jealousy and hatred and you don't want to do that anymore.  Maybe you're in the fight of your life in your marriage and you don't know what to do next.  Maybe you're feeling crushed by the weight of having to be perfect and you need to feel the freedom to fail.  I don't know what processes you're trying to figure out or what you're trying to be set free from, but I think someone needs to tell you that you'll figure it out.  So, I'm telling you.  

It's not easy or instantaneous, but it's possible little by little.  I hope you don't get discouraged.  I hope you find some relief in this idea of "little by little."  It takes time and maybe some nights of pacing your apartment...and since I always talk about Jesus, I'll just say it: I don't think you can do it on your own.  I'm going to be really bold and say that I think Jesus cares for you enough to set you free from whatever you will lay at his feet.  I think he'll walk with you through changes and processes, I think he'll gently nudge you and sometimes slap you when the nudging doesn't work.  I hope you give him the chance.  He's patient and he cares for you.  

I want the teenage girl who cuts herself to know she's not the only one and that she doesn't have to do that anymore, that the scars will always be there but they won't be open wounds someday.  Someday she will call her friend instead of picking up the razor.  I want the person who struggles with addiction and relapse to know that you can still be set free from whatever it is you feel is holding you captive.  The drugs or the alcohol won't always win.  Please don't give up.  I want the person who is heartbroken to know they will eventually say yes to a date and feel butterflies again.  I want the person who is trying to live a healthier life to know that healthier choices will eventually become easier.  I want the girl who starves herself to know she can have a normal relationship with food again someday.  I want the couple who is miserable in their marriage to put one foot in front of the other and choose each other every day. 

 If you're pacing your apartment tonight, I want you to feel hopeful.  It won't always be like this. 

I want people to be honest with themselves and others about how messy and imperfect we can be, how almost everything in life is a process, especially freedom--whatever freedom looks like for you.  I think there is something beautiful in that process.  Pay attention to the scenery along the way and learn as much as you can.  And be patient with yourself.   

Take it little by little, and I hope you'll give Jesus the chance to change your heart along the way.