Dear Twenty-Two
I write because it's how I process. It's how I reconcile all of these thoughts in my mind. It's how I exhale.
And tonight I don't know why I'm writing, I just know that I need to. I promised myself I wouldn't edit this one, I wouldn't use the delete button. This is going to be gritty and honest...the best kind of writing, right?
I've sat here and thought about if I were 30 years old, what I would want to say to my 22-year-old self. I'm needing some perspective tonight to see past what I can't see past just yet. So I wrote myself a letter.
Dear Twenty-Two,
I know you feel like a fool. I know you graduated college and wanted to change the world, and then you got a job (and you got tired). Then you started paying rent on a single bedroom apartment that you love (but you feel trapped by all at the same time). I know you're restless and aching for something (and you don't even know what it is that you're aching for). I know you're wanting to throw down some roots (but you're wanting adventure all at the same time). I know you're wondering if you can have both of those, if they can co-exist (or if you'll have to choose one). I know you want to leave some people and memories behind (and never look back). I know you're hurting and you're trying to figure out which coping mechanism to turn to (that won't self destruct like you used to). I know you're trying really hard to mend relationships and be the bigger person (and lower your expectations). I know you're feeling way overwhelmed and stuck. I know you're wishing 22 was less about bills and your j-o-b (and more about dressing up like a hipster and making fun of your exes). I know you still miss Spencer (in ways you can't even explain). I know you feel like an idiot for letting yourself have to be an ultimatum, for having to put a deadline on a decision (that shouldn't require a deadline).
Listen to me.
You'll make it. 22 can be a bitch, no lie. But it's also exciting and new and you'll never be 22 again. And when you're 30 you won't want to slap your 22-year-old self so much if you fight for 22 while you're 22. Be messy. You're allowed. You're stumbling through this crap and doing the best you can. And you'll make it.
Work won't always make you this tired. You're still learning.
You will change the world. Remember that pastor that preached a sermon about a specific word the Lord gives you, and to keep it and commit it to Him and He'll keep His promise? Remember that Sunday when He told you "You'll change the world, Kenz. I'm not finished with you yet." Don't ever forget that. You will change the world. One person, a neighborhood street, a school, or an entire country. Big or small...you will change the world somehow.
You will go on adventures. Because you will regret it if you don't. Buy the plane ticket, even if you have to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 2 weeks. Stop worrying about the details. Buy the freaking plane ticket and go places.
Don't get frustrated with restless and aching. It means you're alive. Some people call that passion. Go with it. Do stuff. You won't always be restless. Some days you'll be content. Go with that, too. There isn't a right or wrong when it comes to your dreams. There is a fire in you. Own it-whatever it is-and do something with it.
You can't leave people and memories behind. They're part of your story. You can't edit them out of your life. Stop being dramatic.
You will engage your hurt head-on and not disassociate. You'll be better for walking into those feelings instead of running from them. You're brave. Don't run, Twenty-Two.
Don't give up on those relationships. Don't lower your expectations. Fight for them. Show them how to love. Show them how to communicate and reciprocate. Keeping your expectations high can mean feeling let down a lot, but it's a price you pay for hoping. The hoping is worth it. Don't you dare give up.
22 is fun!! I know it feels like it's all about bills and punching the time clock, but it's fun. You know it is. Dress up like a hipster and make fun of your exes. And then pay your bills online because you're a responsible 22.
You will always miss Spencer, maybe not to the extent you do now at 22, but you will always miss him. There's nothing wrong with that. Stop trying to justify it to yourself. You're allowed to miss him and not be able to explain it to people. It is not their heart that is aching.
Feel like an idiot...for 2 seconds. And then move on, because you're not an idiot. You're allowed to hurt, that's true. But don't waste too much energy. Some day you will be someone's first choice. It won't have to come to an ultimatum. You're worthy of all the things you tell yourself you're waiting for. Be picky. Be patient. Choose to live unoffended in the meantime.
Lastly, you're not failing 22 like you think you are. You're doing a pretty good job and you're going places. Don't be so hard on yourself. And P.S. I hope you get better about blogging during the daytime and NOT at 1 AM.
Sincerely,
Thirty
And tonight I don't know why I'm writing, I just know that I need to. I promised myself I wouldn't edit this one, I wouldn't use the delete button. This is going to be gritty and honest...the best kind of writing, right?
I've sat here and thought about if I were 30 years old, what I would want to say to my 22-year-old self. I'm needing some perspective tonight to see past what I can't see past just yet. So I wrote myself a letter.
Dear Twenty-Two,
I know you feel like a fool. I know you graduated college and wanted to change the world, and then you got a job (and you got tired). Then you started paying rent on a single bedroom apartment that you love (but you feel trapped by all at the same time). I know you're restless and aching for something (and you don't even know what it is that you're aching for). I know you're wanting to throw down some roots (but you're wanting adventure all at the same time). I know you're wondering if you can have both of those, if they can co-exist (or if you'll have to choose one). I know you want to leave some people and memories behind (and never look back). I know you're hurting and you're trying to figure out which coping mechanism to turn to (that won't self destruct like you used to). I know you're trying really hard to mend relationships and be the bigger person (and lower your expectations). I know you're feeling way overwhelmed and stuck. I know you're wishing 22 was less about bills and your j-o-b (and more about dressing up like a hipster and making fun of your exes). I know you still miss Spencer (in ways you can't even explain). I know you feel like an idiot for letting yourself have to be an ultimatum, for having to put a deadline on a decision (that shouldn't require a deadline).
Listen to me.
You'll make it. 22 can be a bitch, no lie. But it's also exciting and new and you'll never be 22 again. And when you're 30 you won't want to slap your 22-year-old self so much if you fight for 22 while you're 22. Be messy. You're allowed. You're stumbling through this crap and doing the best you can. And you'll make it.
Work won't always make you this tired. You're still learning.
You will change the world. Remember that pastor that preached a sermon about a specific word the Lord gives you, and to keep it and commit it to Him and He'll keep His promise? Remember that Sunday when He told you "You'll change the world, Kenz. I'm not finished with you yet." Don't ever forget that. You will change the world. One person, a neighborhood street, a school, or an entire country. Big or small...you will change the world somehow.
You will go on adventures. Because you will regret it if you don't. Buy the plane ticket, even if you have to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 2 weeks. Stop worrying about the details. Buy the freaking plane ticket and go places.
Don't get frustrated with restless and aching. It means you're alive. Some people call that passion. Go with it. Do stuff. You won't always be restless. Some days you'll be content. Go with that, too. There isn't a right or wrong when it comes to your dreams. There is a fire in you. Own it-whatever it is-and do something with it.
You can't leave people and memories behind. They're part of your story. You can't edit them out of your life. Stop being dramatic.
You will engage your hurt head-on and not disassociate. You'll be better for walking into those feelings instead of running from them. You're brave. Don't run, Twenty-Two.
Don't give up on those relationships. Don't lower your expectations. Fight for them. Show them how to love. Show them how to communicate and reciprocate. Keeping your expectations high can mean feeling let down a lot, but it's a price you pay for hoping. The hoping is worth it. Don't you dare give up.
22 is fun!! I know it feels like it's all about bills and punching the time clock, but it's fun. You know it is. Dress up like a hipster and make fun of your exes. And then pay your bills online because you're a responsible 22.
You will always miss Spencer, maybe not to the extent you do now at 22, but you will always miss him. There's nothing wrong with that. Stop trying to justify it to yourself. You're allowed to miss him and not be able to explain it to people. It is not their heart that is aching.
Feel like an idiot...for 2 seconds. And then move on, because you're not an idiot. You're allowed to hurt, that's true. But don't waste too much energy. Some day you will be someone's first choice. It won't have to come to an ultimatum. You're worthy of all the things you tell yourself you're waiting for. Be picky. Be patient. Choose to live unoffended in the meantime.
Lastly, you're not failing 22 like you think you are. You're doing a pretty good job and you're going places. Don't be so hard on yourself. And P.S. I hope you get better about blogging during the daytime and NOT at 1 AM.
Sincerely,
Thirty
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